SUPERHERO panties

There is one rule I have for a relationship.

THE RULE#

Never be a third of a relationship.

In these days of BBM and WhatsApp it is so easy to get hold of people, throw a comment out into the air at any whip of the tongue, make a friend, break a friend, you get the drift. And what comes with this is, it has not become immoral to add your girlfriend’s boyfriend, your bro’s ho, your toy boy’s mama bear or your sister’s shag to your contacts. You are just widening your friendship circle right? Oh no you are not. You are being a nosey, brown nose parker.

What is this situation that I find myself making up such a rule?

 The Situation:

I have a friend who is dating this great guy but to be honest they both quite useless at the whole relationship thing. Next minute I get a request on the BBM, it is her bf. Now morally I am going, hells no! I don’t want to be the middleman. But curiosity is saying… mmm, Accept! Now I just entered myself into a whirlwind of backwards and forwards, what did he say, what did she say, what do I do in this situation, does she love me etc. etc. etc. bla bla bla. Pull hair out. Throw phone out window. Pick it up and carry on.. “Dear Tom, She loves you, you are just being too needy and she wants some space… “.

What feelings am I left with? I feel like I am cheating on my friend.

Why is it easier to come to me rather than to go to her when times are of unstable ground? Am I the cop out of some heated argument that they would rather bypass? If so, grow some balls Chickitas and Manginas! All the information you want to know about each other is right on the other end of the phone, across the street and in your face.

Ask them what’s wrong, not me. I love you but honestly, I don’t care about your personal relationship issues. No one should. Just you. 

End of story.

There is this reoccurring daydream that I keep having. It finds itself spreading an enormous smile across my face, tiny giggles escaping my already grinning expression and fills my body up with, the super cliché, of tiny bubbles.

 The Day Dream

I am two feet out the window of an old muscle car, somewhere beneath the summer flickers of sunlight and moving trees. My head is rested on the shoulder of some amazing human who has taken my heart and thrown it to the warmth of the summer sun, which now falls softly on me. My long blonde hair is floating in the wind and distantly, a song I like to call ‘Happiness’ circles around us.

I don’t know if it is the fantastic human next to me that is making me so happy, or the feeling of freedom in my heart. But it makes me yearn, yearn for the feeling of me loving someone whole-heartedly or just to be on a road going softly nowhere.

It is pretty ridiculous actually; I have a brilliant job that I love. I have a man in my life that one would die for and I live so close to summer we get to touch it sometimes. So what is it that this daydream wants? A better man, a nicer car or for me to wake up and see that my life is perfect the way it is?

Well I know one thing; if my life were perfect I wouldn’t have such wonderful daydreams. I think I will keep this one.

Since what you ask?

Well surely that is obvious since I have gotten to the stage of sharing it with the few that actually follow this blog. Engaging in any sort of coitus coincidences. Yawn, boring. But wait don’t you want to hear why? The funny thing is that there is no reason; the feeling has just been lost like some coin down a drain waiting to be picked up by some stranger who happens to notice its shiny sparkle. And hello men, it is starting to S P A R K L E! So, eherm, pick me up?

I don’t know about you out there, but I can go for weeks without feeling any sort of tingle down there in the nether regions. THEN, without warning every package bearing man that seems to walk past, ladies changing in the gym giggling away as their titties bounce to their joyous laughter and the plumber that leans too far under the sink exposing his bare crack gets me going. I don’t mean feeling slightly on, I mean “If you don’t take me right now against this side walk, pull my hair against the changing room door or give me a go under the kitchen sink I WILL scream!” It has gotten to the stage of finding myself disappearing into a highly offensive daydream only to realise that my hand is not where I left it. Oops.

So why don’t I just go get me some? Well, fuck you too. I will.

Happy Friday.

What is this rubber band theory? The ‘let me go so I come running back’ scenario. I don’t think I like it much. Especially when it was used on me, or currently is at this very moment. No I will not chase after you. I don’t do that, do I?

So to explain the Rubber Band Theory is supposed to work in blossoming relationships. To keep him interested and wanting more: 

Act one, scene one

Girl and boy having been seeing each other, it is going quite well until boy gets a little scared (no other explanation other than this) and stops seeing girl. Girl gets confused and boy is left with 17000 miss calls on his mobile. Girl thinks this over and tries a different approach. Girl sits back and waits. No more calls to boy, boy must do, as he wants. 

Now boy gets confused and realises that he does like this girl and why has she not phoned him in 24 hours, he thinks this is mighty strange. So boy calls girl, girl ignors call, boy is left scratching his head.

“I thought this girl was into me”, he ponders. Still scratching his head he comes up with a plan. Light bulb! He’s got it! 

Boy goes over to girls house with flowers, knocks on girl’s door and find that she is not home. Now boy really wants to see girl.

So boy digs deep down into his emergency box for romantic ideas. The box is full of dust and boy has forgotten how to use it. Eventually after much effort he slips it open and to his surprise…

Surprise!

…there are a lot of romantic ideas in there, why did he not think of this before?

So, boy finds girl, takes girl on romantic dinner and tells her that he was stupid and that they really belong with each other.

Guys, you are masters of the Rubber Band Theory. This is not because you know of this theory, you are just too busy living life to let a chick come in and smother it.

Us girls, we hate this by the way. We want you to smother and tell us that you love us. Not pretend that you don’t care. (Even though we know you just don’t know any better). So when you actually do it on purpose, it fucks us off. Sorry but that is the way it is. We are the ones coming up with silly scenarios that work on you, not the other way around.

Please go back to kicking your ball and let us do the ignoring. We are the complicated creatures not you simple-minded fools.

Thank you.

There is something that I have been meaning to write for a very long time now - almost funny how these things stay with you, you hope and pray that they will disappear but they never seem to. Then there is the constant reminder that unfortunately, you will see them around as they are connected to your mates, after all that is how you met him right?

 So this is a letter I am going to write to him, in no way is this a SuperHero move but for my heart… it will kick some ass.

Dear you,

How dare you leave me with a whistle and a wave goodbye at the airport and never come back? How dare you promise to see me and then disappear? How dare you make me fall in love with you then walk out of my life, without so much of a goodbye. It would’ve been easier if you had died. That would be an answer. Instead you leave me knowing you are with her everyday, you chose her. 

Did you know I tip toe around the city hoping not to see you, I did once. You were sitting next to her facing away from me, I knew you from the back of your fluffy hair. My heart almost flew out of my mouth. I wanted to walk closer but instead I walked away. And I saw her too, she looked me right in the eyes, I knew she saw me, she saw me for who I was. I broke her heart. You and I broke her trust.  

I keep having dreams about you, they are so real I wake up and have to ready myself. I don’t want to believe that you will never talk to me again, that we can never have any contact. I want to tell you so many things, I especially want to go back to the beginning, I want to enjoy that big smile of yours, I would accept that drink you bought me, but instead of walking home with you, I would leave. You broke my heart. You broke two hearts. And every inch of me hopes that you broke your own heart. 

There is one thing I need you to do for me, tell me that you miss me. For goodness sake I need to know that you have suffered too. I can’t keep up with the pain of knowing you are there, loving her and not thinking about me. For a selfish as selfish goes - you need to feel my heart die when it thinks of you.

So until such things in my mind pass, I wait for that moment of: Once upon a time there was this girl that loved this boy, but they fucked it up.

 I hope you smiling. God, I hope you smiling. 

Now let me, let you go.

x